Ugoji Egbujo: A Prayer For The PDP
Almighty God, I bring the PDP before thee. That party has disgraced God and man. Its cup is full. However, my merciful Lord, I plead that the PDP is spared the fates of Jonah and Judas. Though Presidents Obasanjo and Jonathan, whom it gave everything, have forsaken it, I believe the party is not irredeemable.
Our ancestors said we should preserve even tattered baskets because we would need them when we offer sacrifices to the gods, but I haven’t come so that this moribund PDP becomes a useful rag. God, you eat sacrifices with fire; what you cannot do doesn’t exist. You can salvage the PDP.
Lord, my eyes are dry. I have shed all my tears. The house Ekwueme, Ciroma and other noblemen built was a house of promise. A house filled with many talents and some orisirisi. But Nnam, that fabled party, has now become a whorehouse. The prodigal son knew when to return home. Though jealous neighbours said he only returned when he had nothing left to waste. But the PDP, more profligate than the biblical man of squander, appears willing to become enslaved rather than return to its senses. That is precisely why I’m at your feet, Onyekereuwa.
Before evil came to our land, a responsible adult didn’t stay home and watch a goat go into labour tethered. But the PDP is sleepwalking towards 2027 in handcuffs of servitude. And men of good conscience in Nigeria are playing ludo, watching the PDP become the shoe-shiner of the APC, unperturbed by the country’s imminent slide into a one-party state. Good Lord, is that good? Some of us are screaming ourselves hoarse because though a word is often enough for the wise, with repeated instructions, the hard at hearing would hear. But this PDP isn’t just stone deaf; it has the disturbing traits of an Ogbanje. A few years ago, the PDP was begging the country for forgiveness. And we all thought the demons were ready to depart. Now, the PDP is muttering again, gathering empty cans, and dancing to music only it can hear. Olisabinigwe, is the PDP cursed?
Father, you see my heart. My kindness is not the benevolence of a man who blows sand off his neighbour’s vagina. My motives can’t be likened to Nyesom Wike’s penchant for building mansions for judges. You know I never liked the PDP and no longer dance to attract money or praise. But this country needs a strong, virile, self-respecting and electable opposition party. Not a Kabukabu driven by pimps that live on booze. Not a perpetually overheating Akankita running around as the Opposition.
Allknowing God, what happened to the PDP? The PDP has forgotten that even a hungry in-law must maintain some social distancing of dignity. If he frequents too much, he may be sent to fetch firewood. At the rate the chairman of the PDP party is going, won’t he be asked to wash toilets in Aso Rock for the ruling party for some bags of rice? Our ancestors said, “If a proverb has to be interpreted for a child, then the dowry paid on his mother’s head is wasted.” Father, this Damagum is dancing like a child. Doesn’t he know we all know the hidden drummer supplying him the awantilo rhythm from the bush?
Lord, those who say goats are chewing palm fronds on the head of the PDP are not wrong. The PDP is in a pitiful state. It appears happy playing monkey-post for Obio Akpor. Permit me, lord, to repeat this. Shouldn’t a man with head lice see the barber? Why does the PDP think scratching will solve it? Father, is it true that the PDP is now harvesting what it had sown when its governors converted ecological funds to party funds? Is the wages of its sin death? Or shall grace abound?
Some PDP chieftains have been rationalising their apparent cowardice. One said the PDP deserved pity because wasps have perched on its scrotum. Because those who have taken PDP hostage dine and wine judicial brother Jeros. They have built a fearsome reputation as tricky judicial pickpockets. But wasn’t the PDP inviting lizards by bringing in ant-infested firewood, sabotaging internal party democracy, and embracing money worship? And shouldn’t a man who has collected wasps with his head be left to suffer the agony of the stings? In any case, Achebe told us in the Arrow of God that when the people of Aninta became fed up with their deity, they took matters into their own hands. They took him to a border town and abandoned him there. Our ancestors said, “If a man says yes, his god will say yes.” All these notwithstanding, Ancient of days, let this Lazarus come forth.
The PDP has become too timid. It is neither the Labour nor Accord party. The PDP should have the seen-it-all versatility of a mature prostitute. Excuse my language, heavenly father. A real prostitute can’t be frightened by the size of any penis. The PDP is not a novice. Why isn’t it bold and adventurous? Our ancestors said, “A woman desperately seeking a child doesn’t sleep with clothes on.” The PDP must show some desperation. No one can tell of witchcraft better than the woman who has just lost her son to a witch. Perhaps the PDP must sit down with Obaseki and understand the contours of the treacherous task ahead. After exorcising the moles that have hijacked the party and finding a sharp arrowhead, the PDP has to grow feral fangs. They are going against Tinubu, Ganduje, Akpabio, Hope Uzodimma, Wike, and Matawalle. Politically, these people are not flesh and blood. The PDP will need to conjure the whirlwind. Father, that’s where you come in. Lord, remember that the PDP stood for national unity, unlike these folks trying to establish a Yoruba PLC. Be merciful unto it. You can take the PDP by force and set it free the same way you freed the children of Israel from Pharoah.
If I linger, it might seem as if I have seen a wife to marry in the PDP. I have no sympathy for the PDP. My sympathy is for Nigeria, my own dear native land, which is drifting towards a one-party state. Sometimes, I pity myself. Our ancestor said, “The anus regrets not being informed about the waywardness of his neighbour and her numerous visitors. If properly informed, he would have settled in a different neighbourhood.” Had I known Nigeria would come to this sorry pass, wouldn’t I have checked out with the Andrews in those early days? See how Tinubu’s destructive reformation of the naira has ambushed the young and the old. If one had checked out, would this incestuous relationship between the two main parties that have raped the country be this heart-rending? The fleeing youths can smell it. But I’m stuck here with a president who awards multi-trillion naira contracts to his friends without due process while feeding the nation with lullabies of reformation instead of food and security. Yet, the main opposition party is twerking for him.
The PDP needs to be led by a conscientious person who can inspire the youth and create a magnetic vision. There are many leaves in the forest, but if the soup needs ukazi, then it needs ukazi. But the PDP has this bad habit. When it sees political journeymen blowing their trumpets, it becomes enchanted and bestows on them the title of omeokachie. I won’t call names, Lord. Lord, rescue the PDP from naivety and frivolity.
Father, I hope you have heard me. If Tinubu refuses electoral reforms, 2027 might be an exercise in watery futility. Father, what should the opposition do? Our fathers said, “When a woman chooses to make only watery soups, her husband must learn to dent his foo-foo balls before dipping into the soup so that he can come out with something.” Rather than legitimising a sham by participating without comprehensive electoral reforms, I think the opposition must sit at home. It’s called civil disobedience. Not the Made-in-Finland variety, though. But dear lord, if a reformed PDP opts for a boycott rather than participate in a Bulaba choreography, will things not fall apart? Father, watch this county.
Lord, I haven’t said the PDP shouldn’t accept a genuine defeat. Accusing a child who brings home more firewood than his peers of fetching them from the evil forest is common and consolatory, but it’s not good sportsmanship. Yet without a thoroughgoing electoral reforms, isn’t 2027 dead on arrival? We know that if the vulture is absent at the sacrifice, then the land of the spirits is troubled. We can tell the nature of the faces from the character of the heralding fart. Things can be foretold. Father, if you do not watch over a city, in vain are the night watchmen awake. Father, watch this country.
Lord, I have emptied my mouth. Faith without works is dead. The PDP must not give its ticket to a political contractor. Father, when the PDP starts to wrestle against these principalities and power, please, lend it a helping hand. If it has sold its soul, discard it and raise another national party. Our national history supports the biblical notion that your way is not ours. Arise, O Lord, and disappoint all 2027 designs and shenanigans of the wicked. Let the enemies of Your people in all parties be scattered. AMEN.
